A Lesson About How to Handle "Mansplaining" from Jane Austen

The scolding of Emma by Mr. Knightly. Emma. Miramax 1996

One day last week I had to help a student find a book in their Lexile- the new way my school district measures student reading levels. Unfortunately, our library books are not listed by Lexile, so it’s always difficult to find a book for students who are high up in the Lexiles, but books they would find interesting are not. The fun books are not usually very challenging. This is where I have to get creative with my recommendations- specifically, I have to make classic literature sound very interesting to a teenager. Not always an easy task. I have to make use my degree in English as a guide. Thankfully, I read many, many classics, so I can draw from what I liked back then to make those suggestions.

With this particular young lady, I knew that she liked realistic and chick lit fiction, so I went straight for Jane Austen. Due to her non-Lexile reading preferences, I hoped that Emma would be a good choice for her. I described how Emma thought she was a successful matchmaker, but the reality was very different. The student decided that was the perfect book for her. 

After the student left, I pondered the lessons taught through Emma, but thought nothing more of it until later that day, when I read a few comments on a Facebook post of mine. Two men who attended high school with me made comments that most would deem mildly as “mansplaining.” Initially I thought about asking if they really thought I was so stupid as to not know what they felt they needed to explain to me. Then I remembered the scene in Emma where Emma says something derogatory to Miss Bates, which Mr. Knightley promptly scolds her for doing. Miss Bates was not Emma’s social equal, so it was not kind for her to criticize Miss Bates, knowing that others would view the treatment as an acceptable. Mr. Knightley reminds her that she is better than that and that she should always show kindness to those below her social status.

So, how is this similar to my situation? Well, to my knowledge, neither of the men in question ever went to college, nor are they as financially stable as I am (from what I can tell based on their online presence). Technically, I am in higher standing educationally and financially than they are. How I treat them in my comments would give others a lead for how they would treat these men. Since it was on Facebook and not in the real world, it wouldn’t be as bad for the men, but I have decided that it really isn’t kind of me to be defensive over a stupid comment. Not only that, but is it really worth the effort to get worked up over an explanation that I did already know, but does not change anything in the long run? No, not really. This is what gets me sometimes about the accusations of “mansplaining.” Sometimes it is condescending and detrimental to relationships, but most of the time, as on Facebook and the like, it is just some guy getting their thoughts down and possibly not understanding that the information is already known. Charging men with “mansplaining” for minor comments only makes the woman seem insecure and men defensive and angry. There are many other things in life to get angry about, and usually how someone explains something shouldn't be one of them. If you're going to make a man defensive and angry with you, make sure it is something worth fighting for, ladies!

If you haven't seen the movie version above, check out the scene where Emma gets her scolding from Mr. Knightley... wait...is this mansplaining?

Fearless?

Close up of milk glass candlesticks from last post.

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

- Edith Wharton

I learn so much about myself by looking at candlelight. I know the image is the second I have shared of candles on my fireplace mantle, but the inspirational thoughts those flickers of light give me always lead me down the path of self-realization.

In the workshop I teach on learning to write without fear (which I will be releasing an online version through Udemy by the end of the month!), I work with writers on figuring out what the fears are that keep them from writing. Saturday afternoon I came to the realization that I’ve never put much thought into how much the rest of my life is lead by being fearful of one thing or another. It’s those personal fears that are the ones that hold me back-  moving out of my childhood neighborhood, asking the guy out (or even just flirting), expanding my business, writing my own books, strained familial relationships, and even my relationship with God and religion- that I desperately need to address. Along with my goals for 2018, I plan to face these fears head on. As I teach my writing students, I will never actually get away from the fears, but I need to learn how to make them work for me. I hope to develop the wisdom that will lead me to take my own advice.

Some of these fears I have will only be settled by writing them out. Some of them will require me to step outside of my comfort zone. It may also be that one or two may not ever be resolved. All I can do is decide that I will try. I am ready.

Apparently There Was a New Year Last Week?

My New Year Clearing Practice- Bringing Out the Milk Glass

I had so many plans for my winter break. Two whole weeks of uninterrupted planning and writing. It was going to be glorious. So, of course I did not actually have any uninterrupted time! There is no one to blame for this. I think my body just decided that it was time for me to rest, so it forced me to by getting sick. As I begin this second week of the New Year, I can say with certainty that I have more clarity now than I did during all of my winter break!

My newfound focus has come about due to one very important factor:  last Friday I had a small series of steroid shots to the nerves in my neck, hopeful that it will help them relax enough to let my neck heal. While I still have a tiny bit of pain from my March car accident, this has helped alleviate that pain quite a bit. The bonus side effect is that the tinnitus I was also suffering from due to the accident is almost non-existent. If you’ve ever had tinnitus, you know how debilitating that can be! I’ve had the most difficult time concentrating on anything since the accident, mostly because of that constant ringing in my ears!

This leads me to my New Year’s resolutions- I actually don’t have any!  I do always see a new year as a great time to start over, have a new beginning, but what I really need is a reset- of intentions, of practice, of strategy. It’s really a mental cleanse to prepare me to meet the goals I have set for myself, not just for the year, but for life.

If you haven’t set your new intention for the year, or feel like you’re already off any resolutions you put into place over a week ago, no need to worry about it. Give yourself permission to start over at any time. Every morning you wake up is the opportunity to begin fresh anew!