At the Bottom Step of 40

Today I am 40. What a perfect time to revive the blog.

The women in my family tend to live long lives, well into their 90s. I'm not even to my halfway point yet. Not even middle aged, by the numbers. I don't feel 40, but really, how is that supposed to feel?

I used to say that I can't wait til l'm old enough. Now I say that I probably won't ever be old enough if it's based on a number. 

Bring it, 40s. 

Still here, just busy!

I didn't forget about this place, I've just been extremely busy with other writing, reading, and actually doing some librarianship! I submitted my short screenplay to two different festivals and now the wait begins. Also, I'm in the process of writing a book on real world tips for classroom management (after giving away all my great strategies from the few years I was in the classroom, I'm getting them down on paper...or eBook paper...we'll see!) and the blog post I was really excited about seems to have disappeared from my portable hard drive. I'll get finished with the re-write and post it soon.

In the meantime, go get a book and read! Or, better yet, write your own!

Taking Huge, Scary Steps...On My Own

This post actually started out differently. I cut the first part out for another time and this is what was left:

Over the past few weeks I’ve been revisiting some of my old writing. I highly suggest anyone who creates to do this. It will open your eyes to how far you’ve come and how good you actually are at that art! I found some pretty great stuff in my writing, but it lead me to begin to question myself: I write, and write, and write, but what do I do with all that writing?

My firm belief is that, if you have a talent, and if you’re spending a good deal of your time on that talent, but you aren’t doing anything with it, you are wasting that talent. By spending all this time writing, but not actually doing anything with it, I am not only wasting my talent, I’m wasting my time. I decided last weekend that this habit of writing and doing nothing with it is going to change.

I have a hilariously funny short screenplay that I’ve decided I’m going to polish up and submit to a competition. I missed the early deadline, which means, for just $10 more, I have time to get it perfect. This is a short that almost everyone, except for one person, absolutely loved. I hope that they actually loved it because it was good and not just because they love me. The one and only person who did not like it was the one I had most desired feedback from. The feedback: “Yeah, I didn’t like it.” No explanation as to why, just that one sentence. No suggestions for improvement, no positives. Nothing else from someone I had, at one time, considered a mentor. At one time. It might just have not been the type of writing they would enjoy…not that I would know, as they didn’t say anything about it besides, “Yeah, I didn’t like it.” Yeah, not helpful…but it’s exactly the same non-feedback that I got from this person on another piece of writing I gave them. So, I finally have my mind in a good place to get beyond that dismissiveness and have decided to move forward with this screenplay. I may ask a few trusted people, whom I know will provide useful feedback (even if they absolutely HATE IT), to help me out with it before I submit, but I won’t do this without a rubric from now on!

The deadline is February 15^th. I will have it ready well before then. Taking huge steps on my own. I’m nervous about it as I so rarely take chances, but…it is time. Wish me luck!

Being Unapologetically Me…

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
            ~Marilyn Monroe

It’s the New Year and many people have made resolutions… some of which they have already broken and feel extreme guilt over! I decided, after reading this article, that my one and only resolution is to be unapologetically me. I’m not perfect, but I am the perfect me.

This topic actually makes me laugh because it reminds me of my favorite line from the movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” where Mark Darcy stumbles over his words as he tells Bridget that he likes her, finds her perfect, even…just as she is. That is the ultimate compliment of being unapologetically yourself… when you are loved for your imperfect perfection.

I try to be a good person. I have my goals, but they stretch beyond a year to year thing. I already eat well and am in better shape than I have been in my entire life, and will continue with that lifestyle change. There is really only one thing that completely holds me back from being myself, and, maybe it really is just part of being me- I am still in the process of practicing the art of letting go. Being unable to let go puts me in an obsessive state where I am unable to function. I have to remind myself that if I face rejection, it isn’t actually rejection of me…it is the other person rejecting an idea in their own mind. There is nothing I can do about that. Things that anger me, in the long run, have nothing to do with me at all. My mantra, “Let go,” has helped me considerably over the last few months. I have no control of others, only myself, so “Let go.” I will be the Queen of Letting Go this year. If something angers me, “Let go.” If something makes me sad or depressed, “Let go.”

The good news is, I no longer feel like I have to constantly beat myself up over things I cannot control. That “Let go” mantra really does free me up to be me. No need to pull out the “New Year, New You” resolutions that are usually too stringent to continue more than a few weeks, and, if I have to be honest, the cliché is tired and smacks of degrading language insinuating that there was something wrong with the “old you” in the first place. I have to see the perfection that is me. I have to be happy and love myself, just as I am.

Now, on to the hunt for that Mark Darcy…

An Unexpected Lesson Learned from the North Texas Icemaggedon 2013

I spent a good deal of the great North Texas Icemaggedon of 2013 reading, writing, cooking, and hanging out on Facebook. I was comfortable in my tiny home with my fire going and heater keeping the indoors at a balmy 64 degrees. There was just too much ice and an inability to remove it in a reasonable time. The new word we all learned: cobblestone ice. I actually had to get in it Monday for jury duty...not fun at all and I fully understand anyone who didn't want to leave their house and get out in it (my mom did have to go to work, and I finally understood her terror at driving in that ice!).

The chatter on Facebook was hilarious. Cabin fever after spending two days with their children, which then extended into three, then four. Videos of ice falling off of buildings and onto cars was tragic. Lots of people decorated for Christmas (my decorations are in my very cold garage, so I'm STILL not decorated!). Everyone was cooking and taking pictures of their food. I did it. I was lucky to have a very well stocked pantry.

Then there were the pictures of the grocery stores. Empty shelves everywhere, especially the bread isles. Now, I've always joked that storms mean a French Toast panic because all the milk, eggs, and bread get bought up. That's usually all I ever say when people post these pictures. Many people had quite a bit more to say, though, usually making fun of all the people panicking about not having food and how stupid they were to do that...and why bread?

It didn't really hit me until I finally got back to school after my jury duty stint how important that bread could be to people. As I was talking to my students before school started this morning, several of them mentioned just how glad they were for the ice to be gone because they were able to eat more than sandwiches. One young lady in particular spent the entire ice storm taking care of her little brothers and sisters because her mother stayed at the nursing home where she works as a nurse aid to care for the residents. Before the storm hit, her mother only had time to grab a few items at the store, including three loaves of bread. This 17 year old young lady was responsible for making sure her four siblings had something to eat from Friday until Monday, when her mother finally was able to come home. They went through all the bread during that time. This family is poor and heavily relies on other sources for meals, including school breakfasts and lunches, and meals prepared at the church on Sundays. That’s six extra meals missing for five people they were not anticipating. 

Who really anticipated that, on Thursday night, most North Texans wouldn't really be able to leave their homes until sometime late Monday? While I was finding item after item to cook and having a grand ol' time of it, with many leftovers for the rest of the week, there were people who only had those loaves of bread, cartons of eggs, or milk. Not everyone has the money to have more than just a weeks' worth of food, especially families who have to make food go just a little bit further during the month of December, in anticipation of their children being out for the two week Winter Break and will no longer have access to breakfast and lunch at school. If you looked at the closure lists, one always sticks out for me: Meals on Wheels. What do those people who benefit from meals being delivered to them do when it gets icy? Do they have something "a little extra" in their pantry to tide them over? Do their neighbors watch out for them? Or, do they just not eat? The human body can go several days without eating, but your system needs nourishment to keep the organs running properly. There's a reason for the saying "fuel your body, feed your mind."

This takes me back to those photos of the bread isles that were all over Facebook and other news sites. Some of the comments were extremely snarky and judgmental. Not thinking about others and their situations is the ultimate in self-righteousness, demeans the human spirit, and takes away basic humanity. I'm not trying to turn around and judge those people, but the situation does beg to question: what right do you have to make assessments on other people when it comes to food? For my young lady, those three loaves of bread were what kept her family fed for four days. I'm sure that there are thousands of other similar stories like this all across North Texas. Should that be criticized?

Take this time to look over those full pantries of yours, if you have one, and see what you might be able to donate to the food banks. They are going to be hit extra hard this year and the need will be even greater due to the storm. For more information, visit the Tarrant Area Food Bank, or North Texas Area Food Bank for donation information. Also, check out Meals on Wheels of Tarrant County. They can always use volunteers.

There is Gratitude in Letting Go…

Having this week off for Thanksgiving Break, I’ve been ruminating over the whole idea of gratitude. What am I really grateful for? I can honestly say that not being able to let go has been a big part of my life for the past few months, and I’m finally getting to the acceptance part of letting go. I really am truly grateful for that.

You see, I have a huge problem with being able to let go. Once an idea gets into my mind, or a person makes their way into my heart, it is extremely difficult for me to get it out, even when it is obvious that the ideas or feelings are not going to work out or in my best interest. The worse part of my not being able to let go is that it blocks me from so much. I can’t focus on what needs to be done because my mind is fixated so much on what I want to happen. I can’t get things done around my house because my mind is passing time thinking about what I don’t have in my life. Even more destructive for me, I can’t concentrate enough to even write, or, when I do finally sit down to write, it’s all about those things I can’t let go of.

So, my mantra this week has been “Let Go.” It’s painful sometimes to chant it. It makes me cry. It makes me long for what I need to release. It also reminds me that there is more to life than those things my mind can’t seem to get away from. When I feel my mind wandering to those ideas, I say out loud, “Let Go.” I said it in the middle of the grocery store, during Thanksgiving dinner, while getting a pedicure, and always just before I slip into sleep. It helps. Really, it does. Just say it until you believe it. I was able to write this very post because I kept telling myself, “Let Go.”

I’m setting myself free from my thoughts. I am unblocked. I’ve Let Go.

Why I separate my recycling, and other Type-A Hippie stuff…

Yes, I separate my recycling. Doesn’t it look pretty? When it’s time to take it out to the bin, though, it all gets dumped in together. Why do I waste my time separating it, then? I’ve already said…because it looks pretty and organized in my kitchen. I recycle everything I possibly can, by the way. If it looks like it could possibly go in the recycling, I put it in there. I can’t toss those batteries, but collect them until they can be taken to the hazardous waste drop off, along with the empty paint cans. Those CFL bulbs? They go with me to IKEA. Did you know that you could recycle Brita filters as most Whole Foods? Yep, I do that, too. I think I am an OCD recycler.

This is just one of the strange, secretly hippie things that I do. My last foray into blogging was centered around my discovering new green-ish, crunchy, hippie things (um…go check it out- http://thegreentexan.blogspot.com).

I’ve made a habit of using more reusable items and less throw-away stuff. I try not to be one of those “I’m better than you because I use or do this” kind of people who brags about what they do and then challenges your morals because you don't. I just try to do my part and hope there are others out there doing the same. 

Here are a few examples of permanent changes I’ve made in my life:

Hankies- I have several vintage hankies that I use when going out to nice places, but my everyday hankies are very soft fleece cutouts. Rarely will you find a box of tissues at my house, except when I know company will be coming. These fleece hankies are so soft on my nose when I have a cold and easy on that sensitive area under my eyes when I’ve been crying. Plus, I know I won’t blow a hole in them when I blow my nose! I love them and couldn’t imagine not having them in my house, purse, car, desk at school, yoga bag…you get the idea!

Real cloth napkins- I have literally 100 cloth napkins. I use them for every meal, even at school. There is just something special about using a cloth napkin which forces you to slow down, relax, and enjoy your meal. I use 1 roll of paper towels every month or so. I also keep that usage down by using cloth kitchen towels. It just makes sense to me.

Reusable kitchen items- I use lidded Pyrex instead of plastic ware. It’s better for re-warming things, and you don’t have to worry about any plastic leaching into your food! The downside…it hurts when someone misplaces my Pyrex and can be expensive to replace! I do not drink plastic bottled water, but instead use aluminum bottles and refill them. Also, I have several reusable baggies I use in place of plastic baggies. It just makes more sense and you can clean them out!

Clothes drying racks- I’ve gotten bad about not drying my clothes on the racks every time, but I do pull them out quite a bit. I went almost two years exclusively using drying racks. My mom and I bought a new washer and dryer together, though, and my drying rack habit has gone by the wayside. It is awesome to put clothes outside in the middle of summer and they’re dry before you even get the chance to get the others washed! Just put the darker items in the shade so they don’t bleach out.

Composting- I compost everything that can be composted. I have a barrel composter and use the “soil” it makes to do anything from filling in holes in my yard, enriching the soil that is already there, and, sometimes, supplementing the organic soil for my garden. 

And this is the point in the blog where it gets a little TMI…read at your own risk!

Reusable toilet cloths- First reaction…gross! Yeah, I thought so, too, but I don’t use them for everything! Well, not all of everything…not #2. I use toilet paper for that! The big thing about using reusable toilet cloths is that you need to wash them every week. Drink lots of water so you don’t have a bad smell. In reality, it’s not any worse than washing your panties, so don’t get them all in a twist over this! I made my own (actually, my mom made them for me) out of thinner fleece than the ones used for my hankies. There are certain times of the month you wouldn’t want to use these. Ladies, we know when that is, and this is when I use the TP!

Reusable menstrual pads- yeah, if you thought the toilet cloths were gross, these can be downright disgusting. I quit using disposables about 6 years ago and haven’t really looked back. I don’t like the bleach used in most pads, or the diaper-like feeling in wearing them. I do use bleach-free cotton tampons when necessary. I’m tempted to try a Diva Cup (http://divacup.com/), since they do sell them at Central Market, but I just haven’t needed it yet. There are many patterns where you can make your own, but I get mine from www.lunapads.com. So, just how do I keep these from totally getting the gag-reflex going? Well, I have to be on top of washing them right away. I have a lidded bucket I keep in my bathroom, where I place my reusable toilet cloths that the pads go into. My period is generally only 3-4 days, so there aren’t many in there and they don’t sit long. As soon as I’m done, the bucket gets filled with water, a scoop of oxy clean gets dumped in, they soak a bit in the oxy clean, then dump, rinse, wring out, and wash with the towels. That’s it. The best part…I always know I have them and there are no emergency store runs!

So, there you have it. These are the few things that I’ve continued to do over the years. You wouldn’t think of it to look at me, but, yeah, I have the soul of a Green Peace-lovin, tree-huggin hippie and I try to do my part in saving just a bit of the planet that I can. I’m sure that there are many subconscious things we all do to help Mother Earth, but it is so ingrained in us, that we don’t even pay it attention anymore. I’m always on the lookout for something else to add to my repertoire, so if you find something you think sounds cool, let me know, okay?

Oh, and I have one thing that I tried to change, but just couldn’t get used to- reusable coffee filters. I have six of these just sitting in my cabinet. No matter how clean I thought I got them, they just weren’t right and made the coffee taste a little (actually, a lot) funky. I’ll use them in a pinch, but for now, unbleached disposable or my French press is the way to go for me! Um… don’t try them unless you can find a better way of getting them clean than using boiling water and baking soda.